When I was about 15 years old, my mom and I had a conversation about girls while driving home from a school dance. I remember being frustrated about the opposite sex and I said to her “well, nice guys finish last.” She responded to me by saying “No, nice guys finish best.” Man, that sounded good at the time and I SO wanted to believe it. The problem was 1) I didn’t understand what she was saying and 2) my observations of female behavior did not seem to support my mother’s statement.
“Nice guys finish last.”
I am willing to bet that you have probably at least heard that or maybe even uttered it a time or two. The question is, have you conflated being nice with being Mr. Nice Guy? So many men I run in to and talk with have come to believe that the asshole gets the girl and the advantage in life while the nice guy gets cheated on, friend zoned, or left behind. And, the average guy would be right, but not for the reasons you think. You see, it is not the nice guys that get friend zoned or cheated on, it is Mr. Nice Guy that suffers those outcomes. I actually want to modify “nice guys finish last.” It should actually be:
“Mr. Nice Guys finish last”
Let me explain. As discussed in “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover, a Mr. Nice Guy is not nice at all. Mr. Nice Guy is busy being nice in an effort to get what HE wants. The nice guy is chameleon that is agreeable to just about everything as he tries to become what he thinks the other person wants. Instead of just being who he is and being ok with the outcomes in life, he tries to make himself something he is NOT in order to force a certain outcome. He tries to cover up and disguise the very things that make him, him. It may seem nice at first, but it is dishonest and manipulative at it’s core. His act is underhanded and coercive. The guy that buys dinner and a movie for his wife and then expects sex because of his purchases “for her” is a typical nice guy. Then, when he doesn’t get what he wants, he pouts or somehow makes it known that he is not getting what he deserves, often in some passive-aggressive way (make the other person feel guilty). All this does is drive a bigger wedge between himself and the other person.
Why does a man become Mr. Nice Guy? Because, deep down, he does not feel that he is worthy of the other person’s gifts (time, attention). In many cases, the thing he is after is a woman’s attention and sexual interest, but not always (think kiss ass at work). He feels that he is not adequate and must somehow win the woman over and hopefully, if he spends enough time and money and he is super nice, she will roll over and give him a treat out of obligation. His insecurities about his own worth drive him to feel he must manipulate to get what he wants. He does not believe that a woman would want to be with him simply because she digs him just the way he is. The book goes into much more detail about how to fix the nice guy mentality.
There is nothing wrong with being nice. A nice guy is nice simply because that is who he is. A nice man that is nice to others and requires nothing in return is authentic. An honest man that is genuinely honest about what he wants and doesn’t compromise to have a certain person in his life, is authentic. An asshole that is an asshole because that is who he is, is authentic. These men have no hidden agenda. They aren’t trying to trick others. They simply show up the way they are. What Mr. Nice Guy fails to understand is that women are not attracted to jerks, they are attracted to AUTHENTICITY. They are attracted to men that know who they are and don’t apologize for it.
A nice guy has the desire to give and requires nothing in return. Of course it is nice and absolutely within reason to take the women in our lives to dinner and pay for it. When it is done within a mindset of just treating her to a special meal because she is the wonderful woman in our life, that is great. When it is done expecting something in return, it is to your detriment.
A man that does not pretend to be something he is not and owns who God designed him to be is authentic. A man that does not hide who he is or his flaws, but recognizes them, accepts them, and continues to develop and improve his mode of operation is authentic. And that is attractive.
Mr. Nice Guy finishes last because he is constantly pretending who he is to be liked. He is working to get his needs met through lies. He is a scam artist. He is artificial and eventually the people in his life will see it and leave.
More to come.