Nice and Mr. Nice Guy

mr nice guy


When I was about 15 years old, my mom and I had a conversation about girls while driving home from a school dance. I remember being frustrated about the opposite sex and I said to her “well, nice guys finish last.”  She responded to me by saying “No, nice guys finish best.”   Man, that sounded good at the time and I SO wanted to believe it.   The problem was 1) I didn’t understand what she was saying and 2) my observations of female behavior did not seem to support my mother’s statement.

“Nice guys finish last.”

I am willing to bet that you have probably at least heard that or maybe even uttered it a time or two.  The question is, have you conflated being nice with being Mr. Nice Guy? So many men I run in to and talk with have come to believe that the asshole gets the girl and the advantage in life while the nice guy gets cheated on, friend zoned, or left behind. And, the average guy would be right, but not for the reasons you think. You see, it is not the nice guys that get friend zoned or cheated on, it is Mr. Nice Guy that suffers those outcomes. I actually want to modify “nice guys finish last.” It should actually be:

“Mr. Nice Guys finish last”

Let me explain. As discussed in “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Robert Glover, a Mr. Nice Guy is not nice at all. Mr. Nice Guy is busy being nice in an effort to get what HE wants.  The nice guy is chameleon that is agreeable to just about everything as he tries to become what he thinks the other person wants. Instead of just being who he is and being ok with the outcomes in life, he tries to make himself something he is NOT in order to force a certain outcome. He tries to cover up and disguise the very things that make him, him. It may seem nice at first, but it is dishonest and manipulative at it’s core. His act is underhanded and coercive. The guy that buys dinner and a movie for his wife and then expects sex because of his purchases “for her” is a typical nice guy.  Then, when he doesn’t get what he wants, he pouts or somehow makes it known that he is not getting what he deserves, often in some passive-aggressive way (make the other person feel guilty).  All this does is drive a bigger wedge between himself and the other person.

Why does a man become Mr. Nice Guy? Because, deep down, he does not feel that he is worthy of the other person’s gifts (time, attention).  In many cases, the thing he is after is a woman’s attention and sexual interest, but not always (think kiss ass at work). He feels that he is not adequate and must somehow win the woman over and hopefully, if he spends enough time and money and he is super nice, she will roll over and give him a treat out of obligation. His insecurities about his own worth drive him to feel he must manipulate to get what he wants. He does not believe that a woman would want to be with him simply because she digs him just the way he is. The book goes into much more detail about how to fix the nice guy mentality.

There is nothing wrong with being nice. A nice guy is nice simply because that is who he is. A nice man that is nice to others and requires nothing in return is authentic. An honest man that is genuinely honest about what he wants and doesn’t compromise to have a certain person in his life, is authentic. An asshole that is an asshole because that is who he is, is authentic. These men have no hidden agenda. They aren’t trying to trick others. They simply show up the way they are. What Mr. Nice Guy fails to understand is that women are not attracted to jerks, they are attracted to AUTHENTICITY. They are attracted to men that know who they are and don’t apologize for it.

A nice guy has the desire to give and requires nothing in return. Of course it is nice and absolutely within reason to take the women in our lives to dinner and pay for it. When it is done within a mindset of just treating her to a special meal because she is the wonderful woman in our life, that is great. When it is done expecting something in return, it is to your detriment.

A man that does not pretend to be something he is not and owns who God designed him to be is authentic.  A man that does not hide who he is or his flaws, but recognizes them, accepts them, and continues to develop and improve his mode of operation is authentic.  And that is attractive.

Mr. Nice Guy finishes last because he is constantly pretending who he is to be liked. He is working to get his needs met through lies. He is a scam artist. He is artificial and eventually the people in his life will see it and leave.

More to come.

Your Mind is Lying to You

“A strong person cannot help a weak person unless they want to be helped; even then, the weak person must work to become stronger. By your own efforts, you must develop in yourself the qualities you admire in others.“ James Allen

Recently, I was helping out a woman friend with a household project.  While we were working, I said “you know, this is almost a Princess Fiona thing.  Where is your man?”  She then went on to tell me that they had broken up.  Of course, I inquired about what happened.  She told me about how frustrated, angry, upset, and confused she was about the breakup.  She told me that he basically really didn’t have a good reason for it.

From my perspective, this is a high quality, smart, confident, attractive, sexual woman that wants nothing more to be loved and desired.  Of course she is not perfect, who is?  But, she’s definitely up there in terms of good woman-ness.  So, I asked questions about why this man would break up with her and, of course, I keep in mind that there are always 2 sides to every story.

As she continued to describe their breakup, I keyed in on one particular thing that he said to her.  He said “I don’t know why you are even with me.” as he continued to self-depreciate.  These are 9 words that sum up his entire mode of operation.

“I don’t know why you are even with me.”

These are words spoken by an insecure, fearful, low esteem, low value, inferior feeling, ashamed man.  He is a “victim”.  I don’t mean that to be an attack or to put him down.  He is actually a good dude.  It is simply a view into his mindset.  This isn’t about what the world sees in him, but rather, what he sees in himself.  He is a victim of his own thoughts.  Nothing else.  Your mind is a very powerful tool, and without proper guidance and purposeful development, it is all too common to let the negative, self-depreciating, low value thoughts overtake our lives and our behaviors.

Think about it this way, from an attraction standpoint, does saying “I don’t know why you are even with me” sound like a statement that is going to create attraction in your wife or girlfriend toward you?  Does that sound like a confident, strong, courageous, rock of man that believes in himself?  Does that sound like a man that considers himself the prize?

Time and time again, when women are asked what they find most attractive, over and over again they say “confidence.”  Does making a statement questioning why a woman would want to be with you sound like confidence?  Or does that sound like a man that wants his woman to babysit his feelings?  No woman wants to be your mommy.  No woman wants to be your babysitter.  Instead, she wants to be able to open her emotions to YOU, knowing that you can confidently handle her.  She wants YOU to be a high-value, superior, unafraid, secure MAN that can lead her to a fun, interesting, romantic, exciting interaction.   She wants to be the lucky one.  Even if you are an incredibly good looking male model that does can perfectly execute blue steel, with a low value, inferior mindset, eventually she will not be able to stand you. I told her that a breakup was inevitable.  At some point, she was going to get overwhelmed with taking care of his emotions, to which she agreed.  Unfortunately she became collateral damage to his way of operating.

Do you sometimes feel that you are not good enough for your lady?  Do you sometimes feel that you are inferior to the other men around you?   Do you worry about what your girlfriend or wife might do with another guy?  Are you concerned with how she might be thinking about someone else?  Maybe you worry about what she might do, which could cause a series of cataclysmic events to follow like divorce, splitting up the kids, financial difficulty, or being alone.  Well, your mind is lying to you.  Why did this guy break up with my friend? Because he felt he does not deserve her. He felt that she was higher value than he. What you BELIEVE is true.

I suggest you eliminate such thoughts now and forevermore in your mind and focus on only the thoughts that generate valuable, useful thoughts that life you up.

Keep reading.

Don’t Be a Walter Mitty

This morning I received a message that my grandmother passed away last night. She was 85 years old. Apparently she went really fast, which makes me relieved that she didn’t suffer. I was not super close to her, however, she was one of those long lost friends that you see every 10 years and you start relating as though you had seen each other yesterday. And I do have some very fond memories of her in my younger years.

Also today, I was given a small “party” at work for 20 years of service at a corporate Fortune 500 company. It was the cliche’ work party get together in the taupe painted, neon lit conference room and a store bought cake. I could not have scripted it any more awkward and hapless. That is not to say that I am not grateful for the coworkers or our administrative assistant’s effort. I am. The thought just occurs to me, between my grandmother’s death and my extremely ordinary work life, I am caught in the moments of life where we say to ourselves, there is more to life than this. I am reminded of my humanity and what is truly important to spend my life doing.

So that brings me to the story of Walter Mitty, made famous on the silver screen in 1947, then again by a Ben Stiller movie in 2013. Walter Mitty was actually invented by a man named James Thurber and the short story of Walter Mitty was published in The New Yorker in 1939. Boiled down, Walter Mitty represents the ordinary, ineffectual man living the typical, uneventful existence who daydreams about fantastic triumphs. Walter Mitty was invented to represent the ordinary guy who never DOES anything meaningful himself in life. He is the guy that lays on his death bed and regrets his choices.

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The Walter Mitty story is about men that TALK (daydream) but never DO. Yes, Walter Mitty works a job. He does the daily grind. He puts in the 40+ hours a week only to go home and do his homeowner chores while he dreams of another life. BUT, he never takes any ACTION to live that dream. He NEVER takes steps to create the events he wants to experience. Unfortunately, far too many men can be put in to the Walter Mitty stereotype. How about you?

Why do men CHOOSE to be Walter Mitty? Why do we create excuses to delay the creation of the experiences we want in life and then daydream about it?

The answer, brother, is FEAR. We are afraid of the consequences of our actions. We are afraid to step out of our comfort zone. We are afraid we will lose something we have if we go after what we want. We are afraid of rejection. We are afraid of disappointing those around us. We are afraid we will fail. We are afraid of danger.

Seriously, are you afraid of pissing off the wife? Are you afraid you will spend money she thought was for her? Are you afraid failure will leave you broke or broken? Are you afraid you can’t rise to the task? Are you afraid of losing?

What is your fear? What is keeping you from creating what you want to experience in life?

Magical Thinking

I have been accused of magical thinking. So, I had to do some research about the term and it’s meaning. Honestly, I’d never heard it before. Turns out, it’s a thing. So, I have looked up several definitions on psychology websites. They all pretty much say the same thing. Here is one that I like from study.com.

Magical thinking is a term that broadly refers to the belief that an event will occur as a result of another without any cause and effect relationship. More specifically, magical thinking refers to the notion that a person’s thoughts or actions, including spoken word and the use of symbols, can alter the course of events in the physical realm without a causal link.

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What this really boils down to is a belief that one can change the world around them with thoughts or rituals or words and create a desired response. Superstition is another way to think about it. So, for example, believing that when you wear your “special” socks your team will win the big game. Or believing that you will win the lottery because you always play your lucky numbers. Or believing that driving a certain car will get you laid (Ok, that one might be true). Why do we do this as adult human males? Yes, we all do this to one extent or another. Magical thinking is a way to feel like we are in control of things that, in reality, we have no control over. In a purely scientific view, even praying is a form of magical thinking.


 After reading several articles on “magical thinking” I think I actually am guilty of it, but not because I think my favorite t-shirt keeps my car from breaking down or there is some magically seductive phrase that will make a woman become my sex slave. I personally don’t like the term “magical thinking” and at the same time, I do believe there are certain mindsets, there are certain ways of viewing the world, that absolutely affect not only how we penetrate the world, but also how attractive we are IN the world. 

My point is that there are mindsets, beliefs systems and ways of interpreting the world that are much more successful in achieving what a man wants in his life. There are mindsets that lead to certain actions that are generally found as attractive by other people. It is important to remember that the reactions you currently get in life are due, in a significant way, to the way you operate in the world. I can prove it. When a man changes the way he operates, then those in relation to him have no choice but to also change. A prime example of this is the book How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It is filled with examples of people changing their approach, which, in turn, changes the response. Another great book is ‘As a Man Thinketh’ by James Allen. It is a very short book in which he poetically illustrates that the mind determines the course of your life. What you focus on comes back to you. There are scores of papers about belief systems and cognitive processing and the way in which one thinks determines how they feel about life. If a man feels that he constantly gets shafted in life, then he is getting shafted. 

We tend to get what we focus on. That’s the important take-away. If you focus on humility, you will experience humility. If you focus on generosity, you will experience generosity. If you focus on hospitality, you will experience hospitality. If you focus on gratitude, etc.  Likewise, if you focus on darkness, you will experience darkness. If you focus on sadness you will experience sadness, and on and on.  I will illustrate. You could even do this yourself. Let’s say that you are interested in a new type of car. Maybe you have your mind set on a new Tesla. Now that your mind is focused on a Tesla and you have done a little research, as you drive down the road, you will start to notice all the Teslas around and passing by that you never noticed before. They were always there, you just never saw them because your mind was not focused on them.  

Now let’s apply this to an interaction with your wife. Let’s say you are out on your back deck enjoying the sunset and your wife walks out and asks what you are thinking about. If you are in a marriage rut, she might say something like “Are you thinking about how much you don’t like me?” AND here is where ‘magical thinking’ comes in. Your mindset is GOING to determine what happens in that moment. You could say something smart ass like “And how much of a bitch you are.” You could smile and not say anything. You could say “no honey” or any variety of negative, indifferent, or neutral responses that either impact how she FEELS negatively or neutrally, either of which does not improve your life.  

OR

You could respond with something like “Actually I was sitting here watching the sun turn the sky every incredible color from vibrant orange to blood red and how it makes clouds like you could slide down them. I was thinking about how fortunate I am to be here in this wonderful life with you. I’d love it if you sat down here beside me and took my hand for a minute and we just enjoyed the most incredible watercolor painting you could ever see, if only for a little bit.”  

Which one do you think is going to draw your wife closer?

This is ‘magical thinking’ at its finest. It is having a mindset of appreciation and relationship and invitation instead of having a mind filled with anger and resentment and hate and revenge. It is how you position things in your mind. It is what you CHOOSE to focus on. This would be really hard to do if you think your wife is a bitch. How do you think they invitation would look if you do?

I am not saying to avoid reality. If you are 400 lbs overweight, magical thinking isn’t going to make you all of the sudden a Men’s Health cover model. BUT, choosing a mindset that you are valuable and choosing a mindset to develop self respect WILL help you focus on doing the work, losing the weight, and getting healthy. And to me, that is magical. The mind is the most powerful tool you have.

RAGBRAI Adventure – Get a bike

Ok, so we are doing this 400+ mile bike ride thingy. So, I thought I should probably go ahead and get some gear. Where do I start? I have never identified as a ‘rider’ so getting a bike seemed like a good place to start. I know what you are thinking “You agreed to do a 7 day bike ride and don’t own a bike?”

Let me clarify that a bit. I have a bike. It is the same bike I have had since I was 18. It’s about 25 years old. Yes, I have had the same bike for 25 years. I was pretty certain that my 25-year-old mountain bike was not gonna get me across the state of Iowa in a manner that my body would be happy about, so, I started shopping. It is absolutely amazing how much the technology has changed in the last 25 years; all welded aluminum, hydraulic brake system, disk breaks, 2 in 1 shifter, etc. It is also amazing how much people are willing to spend on a hobby that takes serious work.

At first, I started shopping the used cycle sites. I had no idea what I was looking at other then I knew I needed a road bike. AND I was getting plenty of advice from the “pros” at work. There is no shortage of bike experts that work an office job. You would think they help train Lance Armstrong. I also never ran out of offers to “buy my buddy’s bike.” The one sound piece of advice that I got was to get away from used bikes and go to the bicycle shop. My coworker wisely told me that I would just be buying someone else’s poorly maintained “fixes” and the savings would quickly fade as I fixed the issues that were certain to arise.

Luckily, I found a great bike shop from a recommendation and a knowledgeable owner who has ridden in events like RAGBRAI. As I perused the road bikes and had a small stroke at the prices, the owner turned me toward a Giant Revolt.

This is what they call a gravel grinder. It is a bike that can easily be fitted for pure road riding or fitted to ride gravel roads. I gravitated toward this bike for several reasons but mostly because I was spending A LOT of money (IMO) and didn’t want to be locked in to a pure road bike. I imagined training on several popular gravel trails near my house.

Fast forward about a week. I have now ridden this bike about 40 miles. Half of that on gravel. My experience is that this bike does not fail to deliver. It is easy to ride and tears up the gravel (I should emphasis that it is a well beaten path). I cheaped out and bought the aluminum frame, but I can say that this bike was well worth the money and I speculate it is going to be a great bike to ride 420 miles across Iowa.

Men Should be Emotional is a 21st Century Lie

We live in a generation of emotionally weak people. Everything has to be watered down, including the truth.

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Toxic masculinity. That is a very divisive term. It’s seems like our world has decided that these two words are mutually inclusive and for some reason very few push back against it. Why does masculinity offend segments of our society? Why do these segments get to decide for the rest of us that masculinity is toxic?

To understand how masculinity got hijacked, we have to look back in history. Before the 1960’s, the largely held traditional core beliefs of masculinity were that of power, command, control, dominance. Then the 1960’s came and with it an era of revolution against the Establishment fueled by hatred of the Vietnam War and the hippie movement of drug use and free love. Power and control were loathed as feminists raged against male dominance. Baby-boomer young men were questioning their heritage and deciding they were not going to be like their fathers. The feminist movement exploited the guilty male psyche which made way for a softer, more expressive, feminine male.

The 70’s and 80’s saw the male role model go to work for 10+ hours a day in the industrial complex and all but abandon the impressionable boys at home, left to be raised by their mothers and the predominantly female teachers in the schools who were woefully inadequate to teach young boys how to be men. The feminist machine exacerbated this phenomenon by “empowering” the young women while also demonizing the “man” and masculine traits as “scary” and “bad”. So the indoctrination continued into the feminine way which led to the rise of the “nice guy.” Feminism took massive control of the male species and we all just accepted it. It became the norm for a male to be feminine. It became ok for a man to be emotional. Any man that spoke otherwise was made into a angry, narrow-minded, uneducated simpleton by the media, including the Christian churches that spoke of male leadership, both proper and improper.

By the time the 2010’s arrived, we had two generations completely indoctrinated (Gen X and Millenials) in to the way of the feminine. We have created two generations of weak, inept men. Men that believe it is ok to be emotional. Men believe it is ok to be sensitive. Men that believe it is strong to express your feelings. Men that default to woman’s lead in the home and believe any type of assertiveness or healthy male sexuality is wrong.

Now, let me be clear, we HAVE come a long way since the 1950’s. The sins of our fathers left deep scars. I am not saying to not have emotions. Far from it. Nobody wants to marry a robot. It IS healthy to feel your emotions. What I am saying is that is NOT ok for a man to BE sensitive and emotional. It is not ok for a man to let his emotions control his behavior. It is not ok for him to get “triggered.” Allowing your feelings to control your behavior unchecked, IS weak and unwise. Proverbs 25:28 tells us “A man without self control is like a city broken into and left without walls.” In other words, it is NOT manly to be sensitive and emotional about everything and it is definitely NOT attractive to the opposite sex. Wanna instantly kill female attraction toward you? Be sensitive and emotional.

Fellowship

“Don’t even think about going into battle alone. Don’t even try to take the masculine journey without at least one man by your side.”

John Eldridge

I was listening to a podcast on the Art of Manliness website about purpose with professor William Damon. You can listen to it by clicking the link. This interview got me to thinking about purpose and passion in our men today. There are plenty of articles on the web about which one is better to harness and have. This debate has been a part of human history for as long as there was written word and, my guess is, probably all the way back to Adam. I wonder if Adam has this discussion with God about his purpose. You know, the same question we ask ourselves today. What is my purpose?

Well, if am being honest, at 43 years young, I am still not sure how to answer that question. Today I was asked “what do you want in the next decade?” I am also struggling to really clearly answer that question as I try to blend it into my purpose. As a Christian, I feel that I must answer with the inclusion of what God wants for me. So, I look at God’s word. Acts 2:42 says “All the believers devoted themselves to the Apostles’ teachings, and to fellowship, and to sharing meals [breaking bread] and to prayer.” When I read this, my eyes are pulled toward the word fellowship. The word “fellowship” draws up some kind of emotion in me. Some would call it passion.

Why do middle age men struggle to find passion? Why do we struggle to find purpose? At one point in your life, I am willing to bet, you had passion and purpose. It was probably when you were young. Maybe it was sports, maybe it was the dream career, maybe it was love. Whatever it was, I am sure it penetrated every area of your life. It guided your decisions. Then you graduated from high school or college and began a life journey. You chose a path and took steps forward. As you took those steps down a path, life got in the way and you probably left behind some or all of those passions. You left that purpose you once had in the rearview mirror, or, maybe, you didn’t really have one. You traded your passions and purpose for the pursuit of money. You traded it in order to climb the corporate ladder. You traded it for marriage. You traded it to pay the bills. You traded it to make OTHER people happy. You traded what you were DESIGNED to do just use up air and wait for death. No, that is not what you wanted, but that is what happened. Is this your cage? Is this YOUR prison? You separated yourself from your heart and set it on a shelf. Most likely not intentionally, but you did it anyway. You separated from the men that were in your life to hold you accountable to those passions. You stopped chasing that purpose WITH passion.

What if I told you that you can CHOOSE to no longer live that way? What if I told you that you can CHOOSE to find that passion in your life again?

So, I turn back to the word “fellowship”. I believe that we all crave fellowship. We crave a deep, meaningful relationship with other men. I believe we are scared to be honest and admit that we need other men to expose our souls. We are scared to be vulnerable with other men. We need other men to help us take MASSIVE action to take our hearts off the shelf and put it back at the center of our lives. We need other men to go to battle to break out of the prisons we have created in our own minds and be free. We need fellowship with other men to live the lives that we were designed to live.

What do I want in the next 10 years? Amazing fellowship with other men that want to explore their edge and LIVE. This is some of the stuff that we will continue to explore here. Join us.

What is Your Tribe?

“You will be too much for some people. Those are not your people.”

Glennon Melton

Not too long ago I was giving some training to new project managers. I was presenting tons of information in a very short time period. It was the proverbial “drinking from the fire hose.” To make the decidedly unfun text book information more appealing, I started with a joke. Now, I fully realize that there are infinite personalities and there is no “one size fits all”, however, I personally thought the joke was funny and relevant to my audience. But, just to be on the safe side, and I ran it by a couple of my non-technical, non-coworker friends for feedback before I used it and they agreed it was funny for a corporate setting.

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Well, the feedback I received from my audience was less than friendly. I am perfectly willing to accept that it wasn’t funny or that I was terrible in the delivery. Either way, the written comment “your joke was not funny” made it very clear that I did not connect with them. That said, it very likely could have been my audience (a room full of engineers). This is not my first time trying to lighten the mood at work by experimenting with new ways of interacting and expanding my social skills on my journey of manly self-improvement and, yet, I receive negative feedback. This is the place that I admit I operated like my coworkers (the engineers) for a significant majority of my life. Then I woke up and decided that life is quite enjoyable. This new way of operating has also apparently landed me on the “bad boy” list in certain circles of senior management (at least that is what I have been told off the record). Let me explain just a bit more. I have decided that I will be me and I will enjoy myself, and I will speak up when things don’t seem right and I will expose truth.

It has occurred to me that as I intentionally grow, I am outgrowing my work environment. I was probably at the right place 5 years ago, but, as I have opened my eyes to a new reality and change my belief systems and a new, uncompromising way of operating, it is becoming evident that I am not surrounded by the people that appreciate an edge. I put myself in an environment that doesn’t encourage risk, has little appreciation for the harsh truth, does not have a sense of humor, and DOES NOT VALUE me. As I rub coworkers and leadership the wrong way and dig holes for myself, I have realized that these are not my people. This is not the tribe I should be a part of. As my values in life change from competent technical ability to the way of a superior man and masculine leadership, I no longer fit into this tribe. And that is OK. There is another tribe out there for me.

I am in search of a new tribe.

I am in search of a tribe of men that are interested in living at their edge. I am interested in a tribe of men that are in search of their true purpose. I am in search of a tribe of men that are looking for the answers to the masculine way of life. I am searching for men that know deep in their soul that they were put on this Earth to live and love in the best life they can create. I am searching for men that are tired of compromising who they are for a dollar. I am searching for a tribe of men that are willing to go after what they want no matter the consequences. I am in search of a tribe of men that push toward their best everyday and know that the most valuable teacher is failure.

Are you one of those men looking for that tribe? Join us.

My cohort for this blog has given me feedback that the article should include the joke, so here goes:

A new graduate engineer is in his first job interview with the HR manager (coincidence) and the interview is going well. The HR manager asks the new engineer what kind of salary he is looking for. The engineer says “somewhere around $100,000.” The HR manager pauses and then says “tell you what, how about we start you at $250,000, give you a corner office, 50% matching on your 401(k), a 50% bonus, and a company car. A Mercedes…..a red one.” The engineer says “wow, are you joking?” and the HR manager says “Yes, but you started it.”

Funny??

Your Mind Is Lying to You

Recently, I was helping out a woman friend with a household project.  While we were working, I said “you know, this is almost a Princess Fiona thing.  Where is your man?”  She then went on to tell me that they had broken up.  Of course, I inquired about what happened.  She told me about how frustrated, angry, upset, and confused she was about the breakup.  She told me that he basically really didn’t have a good reason for it.

From my perspective, this is a high quality, smart, confident, attractive, sexual woman that wants nothing more to be loved and desired.  Of course she is not perfect, who is?  But, she’s definitely up there in terms of value.  So, I now start asking questions about why this man would break up with her and, of course, I keep in mind that there are always 2 sides to every story.

As she continues to describe their breakup, I keyed in on one particular thing that he said to her.  He said “I don’t know why you are even with me.” as he continued to self-depreciate.  These are 9 words that sum up his entire mode of operation.

“I don’t know why you are even with me.”

These are words spoken by an insecure, fearful, low self-esteem, low value, inferior, ashamed man.  He is a “victim”.  I don’t mean that to be an attack or to put him down.  It is simply a view into his mindset.  This isn’t about what the world sees in him, but rather, what he sees in himself.  He is a victim only to his own thoughts.  Nothing else.  Your mind is a very powerful tool, and without proper guidance and purposeful development, it is all too common to let the negative, self-depreciating thoughts overtake our lives and our behaviors.

From an attraction standpoint, does saying “I don’t know why you are even with me” sound like a statement that is going to create attraction in your wife or girlfriend?  Does that sound like a confident, strong, courageous, rock of man that believes in himself?  Does that sound like a man that considers himself the prize?

Time and time again, when women are asked what they find most attractive, over and over again they say “confidence.”  Does making a statement questioning why a woman would want to be with you, sound like confidence?  Or does that sound like a man that wants his woman to babysit his feelings?  No woman wants to be your mommy.  No woman wants to be your babysitter.  Instead, she wants to be able to open her emotions to YOU, knowing that you can confidently handle her.  She wants YOU to be a high-value, superior, unafraid, secure MAN that can lead her to a fun, interesting, romantic, exciting interaction.   She wants to be the lucky one.  I honestly told her that a breakup was inevitable.  At some point, she was going to get overwhelmed with taking care of his emotions, to which she agreed.  Unfortunately she became collateral damage to his way of operating.

Do you sometimes feel that you are not good enough for your lady?  Do you sometimes feel that you are inferior to the other men around you?   Do you worry about what your girlfriend or wife might do with another guys?  Are you concerned with how she might be thinking about someone else?  Maybe you worry about what she might do, which could cause a serious of cataclysmic events to follow like divorce, splitting up the kids, financial difficulty, or being alone.  Well, your mind is lying to you.  You were put on this Earth for a purpose.  You were given a certain set of skills and abilities for a reason.

I suggest you eliminate such thoughts now and forevermore in your mind and focus on only the thoughts that generate valuable, useful thoughts that life you up.

Our First Feral Adventure

One of the tenants of Feral-man is pushing your envelope to a level of uncomfortable or even scary. A great way to do that is to have adventures that most men will never have. These are the once-in-a-lifetime trips and events that create the most incredible stories of your life. These are the things that your buddies would never attempt….because they are hard. These are the adventures your male friends would never try because they take serious work and commitment. These are the things most men will never do because they do not think of them as investments in growth.

As our first major official feral-man challenge and adventure, we have registered to ride in RAGBRAI 2020, July 19-25.

What is RAGBRAI? It is a week long bike trek across the entire state of Iowa. 400+ miles from the Missouri River to the Mississippi River in 7 days, in the brutal heat of the Midwest summer. We are gonna document our preparation, training, and life story on this blog.

If you are interested in training and riding with us, contact us via email and we will share the details.

https://ragbrai.com/